fever blues

Ara…to say I feel ‘awful’ would be akin to saying the Pacific Ocean is ‘damp’; such a disappointing end to what was really a lovely day! I spent the day out with my mother, which I deeply enjoyed…there is a generation gap between us (though there seems to be a generation gap between myself and, well, everyone at some point or the other x.x; I don’t understand how I get so lost in Time…) but we get along well with each other, these days.

Perhaps there was something in the coffee I had…who knows, but sleeping it away didn’t help…x.x; I hope it’s simply something I ate that my stomach has taken a dislike to, and isn’t the advent of a whole new virus. I have a very important thing happening tomorrow night…I can’t miss it!

In more cheerful news, I have added seven stones (plus an accidental extra ^^;) to my crystal collection as of today, and am the happy new owner of a very colourful new floor-length skirt, and new pins for my nose. My mother also bought me an adorable Pisces notebook, which was so sweet of her.

…ack. The neighbours are shouting again, and I can’t seem to get warm enough nor cold enough. I think I’ll return to lying down and hoping against hope this isn’t another illness…or the flu x.x;;

out of sorts

More of my neighbours are becoming troublesome…with police visits and vile behaviour in general. I suppose it makes me grateful that the other neighbours’ annoyance fuel only stretches to a constantly barking dog, but still…it’s uncharitable of me, but I wish they’d just move… (From the looks of things, they are well on the way to destroying the house…I doubt they’ll be there much longer. Touch wood, of course. *sigh*)

Nothing much is happening in life at the moment…and yet, it seems like I have no time. I make plans and to-do lists and before I know it, the day has escaped me. I have (a deadline for) a domain bill approaching that, because of the exchange rate, isn’t so much a bite out of the savings as it is a ten-course meal…

Ah, at least it’s a full moon tonight. I might be able to sort my head out, somewhat, during ritual. I did intend to work some magic this evening, but I might save it for Yule night instead.

 

anywhere but

I am over the neighbours having bellowing arguments with each other…if it’s not one set of them, it’s another…

I’m over being here, to be completely honest. This would all be tolerable if I was within walking distance from the sea, but alas…

dreaming of waves

My Dad came through the surgery just fine! Better than expected, in fact. I’m so relieved. And I’m so thankful for all my friends’ and loved ones’ support during the whole thing; the terror that hospitals instill in me probably can’t even be accurately measured…perhaps that’s understandable, but still…

Today I’m in migraine recovery ^^; Yesterday it was a toothy one, fuelled by stress. Which may not be entirely surprising, given the week I had plus my neighbours being less than neighbourly, but ugh, still. I’d like to be free of these damn things…or at least not get them so often…but I’m yet to find a migraine med that doesn’t produce side-effects worse than the actual skull-aches, OR doesn’t interact with medication I’m already on.

[Update: the migraine returned this afternoon, so I’m medicated again and can’t think straight. Better entry later…this is ridiculous…]

why

So. Dad’s in the hospital for a coronary angioplasty and stent insertion. They’re performing the surgery either tomorrow or on Friday, I can’t remember, I was sort of messed up when I got the phone call from Mum.

I don’t…I don’t know what to do or say or think, except to ask for prayers. I want to do a spell but I can’t think straight. My brain is looking for every possible opportunity to throw ridiculous thoughts at me (“it’s my fault this happened because I pierced my nose”, that sort of thing), I feel nauseous all the time. I hate hospitals and I’m tired of people I love being in them. I’m tired of being afraid someone’s going to go under anaesthetic and not going to come back up. I’ve been terrified of hospitals and surgery and surgeons and everything to do with them non-stop since 2011, it seems.

I’m just…going to sleep, I think. Might have an ice-cream or something. I can’t seem to make sense of anything. I want to be by the water.

the first element at play

It’s a gloriously cold day (barely 15C as I type this!) with 50K wind gusts right out of the West…and I have declared it a Relaxation Day. After I hung out my linen (it would be ridiculous not to utilise this sunshine and that amazing wind! Spot the selkie’s secondary element…^~), I dragged my computer out of my Room of my Own and into my bedroom, where sunlight is streaming into the room in a lace-shadowed square thanks to the seurity screens on my window, and the whole place is warm and sweet. I usually never take my laptop out of my Room, due to a] avoiding the temptation when I’m ill to just stay in bed all day with it, and b] since its battery died (I get roughly about 15 minutes unplugged ><;) it’s had to function as a desktop, since it’s tedious to unplug and replug it, due to the configurations of power points on my desk. But today can be excused~

I intend to work on my magickal studies and suchlike, perhaps nap if the feeling takes me, and just be as chilled as possible, enjoy the wind. The weather returns to the low 20s after today, and the wind returns to the south…disappointing, but such is the usual weather for Queensland. It’s such a conundrum; I despise the weather six months out of the year, but I love living here…Brisbane is my home. I wouldn’t leave for anything less than love.

Ah, winter seems so brief…why can’t it last for longer…I’m tired of everything wilting in humidty and heat…

I went to the ocean yesterday, and upon looking through the majority of the photos I took, I realised…they’re awful -.-;; They’re either blurry or my thumb/finger is in front of the blasted lens…I suppose this kind of thing happens when you can’t see the screen. My phone’s screen really does not like sunlight. Here’s some of the better ones…

Continue reading “the first element at play”

stations on the dial

I had an odd dream…a sad dream…well, it wasn’t sad during the dream, it was wonderful, it was sad when I woke up…hm. I’ll try and talk about it later, or maybe it’s a Zuihitsu job, or…I don’t know. We’ll see. We’ll just leave it at ‘I wish my subconscious was a physical being so I could slap it for those shenanigans’.

Aah, my heart hurts. Let’s see, distractions, distractions…(oh yes, got to the ocean today! Found another place that’s mine! But I’ll do a better entry on that, with photos, when I’m a little less scattered.)

Continue reading “stations on the dial”

slow down

I have another fever. Wonderful. I wonder if this is the sinus infection flaring up again, or something new entirely. Ah, well, you’ll have this during the colder months, I suppose…and I was an idiot and slept with my window open for part of the night last night ><;

Ah~ I feel lost, like I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or be or say or anything at the moment…I need to get to the ocean tomorrow if it means I crawl on my hands and knees to Kippa-Ring…I need to do my skincare routine for the evening…I need to add another entry to my witchblog…I need to, need to, need to–! So many things…and I feel all lost at sea.

Not that anyone is supposed to be able to think in a straight line when feverish, I guess, but…x.x;

live from the water

Spindrift, now on Selkie.Nu. Now please excuse me while I pass out. I’ll restore the lost entries (I have to do it manually) in short order…

away, away, cast far away

That moment when you could fling receipts into the world, but…it won’t change anything, really. It won’t even make me feel better…because I’m the special kind of ridiculous thing that feels bad for everyone. Yes, even people who ’embellish the truth’, who say unforgiveable things to grieving people, who never, ever apologise for said things.

Am I jealous of this person? Yes, I am.

Was there supposed to be a different answer to that? I don’t pretend I’m perfect. Heck, I don’t even pretend I’m a good person. (I don’t think I’m bad, but I do think — honestly, hand on my heart — I am extremely, extremely middle-of-the-road. My short temper might actually push that towards “bad-ish”. I think it’s something I’m going to be working on for the rest of my life.) I’m annoyed that a person who is a lot crueler than me and horrifically fake and a proven liar is successful, happy, romantically fulfilled, etc etc while my life is a tattered sail. I’m only a flawed person, and I’m jealous of that.

But life isn’t fair. It never has been, and it never will be. And the truth of the matter is that if I ‘expose’ this person, I’ll feel bad for them. (I am aware that that is a certain level of pathetic, yes.) It won’t make me feel better. It won’t magickally rewrite history and shape current events as I think they should be.

It’s incredibly clear to me, now, that this is my problem, and flinging myself against the immovable objects of life and circumstance will just break my bones and bruise me. I am doing that banishment ritual tonight. These feelings are getting flung to the shadows of the moon. No, I didn’t cause them, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be chained to them.